I always have a chai tea. It comes in a huge bowl all warm and milky and frothy with honey on the side – delicious. I am forever grateful to the friend who brought me here late one night after we had been to a live show together – she introduced me to a scene that has for now become a regular and enjoyable part of my life.
I’m not very good at serenity. I’m very up and down. My face is extremely fluid and reflective of exactly what I am thinking, and in repose it is often quite severe. I often frown. I am nearly always thinking and sometimes my frown is a look of concentration, and sometimes it is a reflection of a thought. Either way, to the casual observer, I can look pretty formidable. Those who know me well have learned to bypass the look and deal with me as usual, and most often the to-and-fro will open my face up and I will be perfectly happy in my features (as I was inside). Sometimes this is not the case. I am not very good at hiding what I am feeling, so sometimes a friend will find out what it is, and sometimes they will leave me alone. I wish I was one of those people who sail through everything serenely or even with good humour, graciously smiling here and there, always ready to light up the room with a giggle or a laugh or a funny statement. (I have a friend like that – I think of her as the human adaptogen – not only does she adjust to every situation she is in, but she lights up those around her.)
It’s not all bad. I do make people feel better, both with my happy demeanour (funny, right?!) and with listening to them and validating them and helping them. That’s great, but I just wish that there wasn't the dark side, the broody side, the ugly side that makes people focus on my face, takes their mind off their own path.
Overall, from an aerial perspective, I have improved. I definitely have. This is due to several reasons: my situation not being so desperate, being supported and in a secure job (for which I am extremely grateful to my boss – bless her), having enough to pay for all the bills, and taking a supplement that helps my brain to produce dopamine – this last has been a real game changer. My default has changed from anxious and fearful to strong and courageous. It’s just that I don’t quite yet default to being happy. That’s a whole nother thing – one that I haven’t found a solution to yet – I don’t even know if it is possible – maybe I am just generally sober and a bit stern. I know that when I smile I feel much younger…
I am further changing my world by going out and meeting new people, mixing, talking with strangers. This is really new for me. I am aware that if I want to meet somebody then I had better be used to being with people, and I ought to know how to read people and how to pick up on what is nice in people and what is not nice – also I need practice in my own interactions – what is acceptable and what is not. These things don’t come easily. I guess it’s because I never really gave much thought to it – or had any practice before. So here I am – practicing and getting a bit of experience. And I am.